No, I’m not fat-shaming myself. Although I must admit that I do that quite often, but not here, not now. I’m just acknowledging the fact that I am fat and it bothers me. It bothers me that I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. It bothers me that I don’t feel confident wearing the clothes I’d love to wear. It bothers me that most of the clothes that I’d love to wear don’t come in my size. It bothers the hell out of me that I don’t even think I deserve to be accommodated by the fashion/garment industry. I have been struggling with my weight for about a decade now. It is taking a toll on my joints, on my health and my self-esteem. But, what bothers me more than any of that is the fact that I have kept myself from dancing because of the way I look!
I recently got an opportunity to be a part of an amazing production called Buddhi Bhrama choreographed by my dance teacher, Dr. Joyce K Paul. Buddhi is defined as “the faculty of intuitive discernment or direct spiritual awareness” and Bhram is defined as “to be unsteady or unfixed. To roam, to wander; it is also figuratively applicable to mental unsteadiness, as to err, to wander, to be ignorant or mistaken”. An excerpt from a larger (work in progress) production striving to understand and raise awareness about the many facets of mental illness, this was a 10 minute piece about Depression.
Having been diagnosed with clinical depression myself and having struggled with it for almost 30 years now, I felt an instant connection to this piece. So, when asked if I wanted to be a part of it, I made the effort to silence the many relentless voices in my head, put my faith in the judgement of my teacher and took a leap. Yes, I looked fat and yes, I felt terrible about myself but I also pride myself on being able to see that it was the disease speaking, not rooted in any hard facts or evidence. As Mr. M pointed out, being fat didn’t take anything away from my skills as a dancer. The second I stepped on stage, nothing mattered. My being fat detracted not one iota from my passion, my commitment, the joy of dancing or even from what we were trying to convey. It has been 10 years since I danced but I was able to pick up just where I left off. It felt just right. Kind of like meeting a dear long lost friend…the kind you don’t need to stay in touch with to stay connected. I feel truly grateful for this opportunity and for this undying friendship…
From the Nomad 