A friend of mine asked me a few weeks ago how would one know when the right time to have a baby is. I told her, “the right time is when you want a baby”. Since nothing can ever prepare you for what’s coming, there’s really no point trying to be prepared. You know, it’s funny how the world puts mothers on a pedestal. Yes! Funny, in a laugh-out-loud-rolling-on-the-floor-and-dying-of-a-heart-attack-from-laughing-too-hard-too-long kind of way. I have had people tell me that once you have a baby, you will instinctively know what to do with it. Everything will just come naturally. And every single time somebody told me that, I wished swinging baseball bats and smashing skulls in came naturally to me too because here I am 6 1/2 years later, still as anxious and clueless as ever.
By the way, just so you know, Mr. M is part of that gang too! Oh! The guts of this man!! Considering he’s still alive with all his limbs and vital organs intact, you should be able to deduce how wonderful, patient and forgiving a human being I am. My awesomeness truly knows no bounds 😉
But, I digress. To all you people out there who think that being a mother comes naturally to women, I would like to say one thing – B-U-R-N I-N H-E-L-L. Yes! That very same hell that I don’t believe exists. In fact, I hope I am wrong about the non-existence of hell just so you could all burn in it. No, really. I would love to hear you out. I would love to know where you get these ridiculous ideas from. Do you think that while we are lying in a hospital labour room bed, trying to push a little human being out of our bodies, dying of pain and wishing we were never born in the first place, a fairy godmother comes and gives us a demo on how to function normally under conditions of extreme sleep deprivation and fatigue, how to change stinky diapers, how to breast-feed, how to try and not throw the screaming, wailing infant out the window and how to resist the temptation, time and again, to put our own baby up for adoption? Do you seriously think that we don’t have to work our pretty little (and sometimes, I admit, not so pretty or little) asses off to acquire all these skills and more? If you are one of those people who truly believe that mothers “naturally” know how to bring up babies, please do take the trouble of letting me know so I can come there personally and help you flip the reset button on your brain. If that switch is permanently disabled, I could even help you look for a new brain! Looking forward to hearing from you all.
Cheers and see you soon.