me, Parenting

Dissociative Personality Disorder

Can someone please tell me why we women long to have kids? What is so damn appealing about motherhood? I mean, seriously! 5 years into motherhood and I am starting to think that along with a C-section, they also performed an organ transplant surgery on me. They took out a perfectly normal heart and put in a damned guilt-ridden one instead.  I am counting days left for Ka to go back to school (which I am more than glad to say is a single digit number) and am feeling guilty about feeling that way when I know that any human being who has spent 4 long months alone at home with a 5-year old is bound to start counting!!!

It’s either the heart transplant or I have dissociative personality disorder with at least 3 personalities:

  1. The Awesome Mom
  2. The Wannabe-Awesome Mom
  3. The Far-From-Being-An-Awesome-Mom Mom

The ‘Awesome Mom’ is arrogant and judgemental of the other moms.  She is the one who writes posts like ‘yes! It works‘ and ‘tips and tricks’.  She visits every once in a while, acts all superior and perfect, finds a whole bunch of fault with the other two moms, preaches about how to raise kids and how never to lose temper, acts like she knows everything about parenting and raising kids, is critical of everything the other two moms do or say, talks non-stop about this blah and that blah and then disappears only to become the voice in their heads and gnaw at their brains 24/7 . She never has the guts to stay. She comes, pushes the bar up, sets the expectations higher than ever before and leaves. The other two moms hate her (coz they are left to live up to those sky-high expectations).  The sad part is that they also look up to her at the same time. They want to be like her but can’t. 

The Wannabe-awesome mom is the real thing!  She’s hardworking (although she does get lazy every now and then),  tries her best to have everything in order (and fails every now and then), she cooks and sweeps and mops and does the dishes and does the laundry and plays with Ka and spends time helping her with things that she needs help with and does art projects with Ka and puts up with the tantrums and deals with the adamance and the rebellion and lets Ka use her like a trampoline, bouncy-ball, rag-doll and punch-bag all at the same time (just like any other mom in any other part of the world).  She is the one who spends the most time with Ka (which by no means is an easy feat) and she deserves more appreciation and credit than she ever gets. She is also the one who spends most of her time struggling with one thing or the other. She struggles with her guilt (there’s never a dearth of that),  with her temper (as if the guilt wasn’t enough),  with all the frustrations of parenthood, with what’s the best way to deal with Ka (parenting is the toughest, most thankless, most confusing job ever),  with other people’s judgements, with all the anger and frustration that Ka directs towards her, with the criticisms, with the expectations, with the accusations of  “getting mad for no reason(coz according to Ka nothing she says or does is good enough reason for mom to lose her cool)with finding a balance between trying to follow her dreams and making a home and raising a child, with trying to manage her time… the list never ends! 

Then there’s the far-from-being-an-awesome-mom mom (Let’s just call her the crazy-mom. Much shorter and sweeter, no?). Well, the crazy-mom will hardly qualify as a mom. She’s more like a crazy woman who storms out of her shell at the least provocation every once in a while, loses it totally, locks herself up in the bathroom and cries her eyeballs out in the bathtub once every couple of months. She’s mostly harmless, but unfortunately, she can throw things out of whack for a day or two when she does visit. Other family members haven’t been able to decode her yet and neither have the other two personalities.  The awesome mom is embarrassed by her and looks down upon her.  The Wannabe-awesome mom understands and relates to her at some level but is glad that she doesn’t visit more often than she does.  She spends most of her time feeling inadequate, useless or guilty. She hates the awesome mom and she hates the wannabe-awesome  mom for trying to be awesome.

So, yeah! Getting back to the point, what the hell on earth is so damn appealing about the whole motherhood drama and why do we women (me included) long for it so much?  What is it about motherhood that makes us (again, me definitely included) feel so complete and at peace.  What is it about motherhood that we draw so much joy from when in reality we spend most of our time feeling guilty, angry, tired, helpless, or anxious?


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